As the Finale draws closer, I sense shivers.
My parents never really approved of me modelling ever since secondary school when Jonoh asked me to walk for the annual NEA Fashion Show thingyum. I still went ahead with it because I thought that learning to properly walk in heels is something every girl should be competent in (not that I ever wear them. Y'know, it's just nice to know how).
I know that from the start, I said that I wanted to YOLO but looking back, it was quite a stupid reason to base my decision on entering because I'm not sure what I want to get out of this competition. I was apprehensive being here because it goes against my morals of judging people outwardly. (Hall pageants don't count because, let's face it, they're out to make their pigeons jokes.) I had half a mind to drop out after they made the Top 25 cut because of the amount of media coverage, superficial judging and yea, cold feet. I've never done anything like this before, as opposed to my peers who ever so gorgeously and naturally shoot infront of cameras. You can imagine my extreme inadequacy. Some of the girls in Top 20 have tried multiple times, finally getting in this year. I hear their stories and am so inspired by them and I don't, for the life me, understand what grace I deserve to get in on my first chance. They have this fire, this zeal to them, that is unmistakably vibrant, and here I am, blobbing around while coming off as pseudo nonchalant.
What changed? After some self-coaxing, I decided that I should be extremely appreciative that "the universe conspired in my favour" this once (quoting Chanel's insta). I was like, if God opens these kind of doors, why not have a little faith to take them and grow in the process? That was when I decided to do it to my bestest. And indeed, it was such a painful process, to feel judged and scored based on what you've been given by birth. One of the sweetest girls in the competition, Aisyah, I got to know her better during rehearsals. She was the first girl whose photo was posted on The New Paper FB page instead of the NPNF's. She got so much badflack for her photo in the FB comments. I felt like revolting at the thought of mean keyboard warriors. I mean, If you put all these girls in a row, and individually look them face to face without comparing one another, I'm positive that you can't tell me that every single one of them has a unique look that makes them stand out. How then can you justify that someone looks terrible just because she looks "minah"? So much stereotyping, so much wrong. Hence, it's a painful process knowing that you're never good enough for society's standards.
I think all the excitement from the competition has made me realise that life should always be based on more than looks. It's kinda moulded me into someone not so focused on the outward, but also how I carry myself as a person- to be genuinely interested in the person inside and to hold myself as a reflection of a positive image rather than just going with the flow. It's always so much easier to stand around and "look pretty" without a single intelligent thing to say huh? In a way, NPNF was so crucial for me to grow up and grow out of this xmm mindset.
It's definitely a controversial topic - Beauty and Society. There's been tons of debates about it and, you know me, I hate toeing the line on arguments. I decided to blog about this before the Finales because a lot of people I care about will be there (thanks, you guys for making time) and I wanted to say this; I appreciate all your support so very much but on the occasion that I don't do you guys proud, please know that I've amazed myself at how much I've grown thus far, making me quite a contented and happy being. Of course, I'll be a little heart broken that $10k so easily slipped through my fingers hahaha but the bottom line: I think what I've been through these couple of months is rewardingly enriching altogether, and it's enough for me to look back and say, Hey, I might have YOLO-ed at the beginning but the experience I gained, wow - I regret nothing.
See y'all soon :)
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Btw, if you wanna flame me on this topic (cuz I know it's highly flammable), click here for my ask.fm hahaha (I know my comments box magically disappeared and Idk why too) but please phrase your hate nicely or I'll flame you back on my blog. HAHA KIDDING. BYE.
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